HOW DOES GOD WANT US TO SUBMIT WITHIN A MARRIAGE?
THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE:
TO PROVIDE SUITABLE COMPANIONSHIP
GENESIS 2:20-25 "And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed."
The Bible teaches us man is not complete by himself. The reason God created woman in the first place was so she could be a help meet (suitable companion) for man. God looks upon a husband and wife almost as a single unit and the way each member of that unit acts helps determine where both the husband and wife spend eternity. The reason I use the phrase, almost as a unit, is just because one member of marriage unit acts in such a fashion they spend eternity separated from God in the lake of fire, it does not guarantee their spouse will also be lost. Each spouse has the freewill to chose to serve God or chose not to. The way a spouse acts has an influence on their spouse, but it is the spouse’s choice to serve God or not. We can see God intends the husband and wife to be a help to each other in everything they do, especially in their Christian walk.
We further notice there should not be any shame between a Christian husband and wife. God intends a marriage to create a family unit that acts in such a fashion as to provide the type of environment that encourages the husband and wife to grow both spiritually and mentally, as well as encouraging the children to grow up to be the best Christian adults they can be. Additionally God intends the family unit to shape society, the Church, and the government. The family unit shapes everything members of the family come in contact with and God wants us to be such a family as to shape the world around us to be a safe God-fearing society.
TO PLEASE EACH OTHER
I CORINTHIANS 7:32-39 "But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction. But if any man think that he behaveth himself uncomely toward his virgin, if she pass the flower of her age, and need so require, let him do what he will, he sinneth not: let them marry. Nevertheless he that standeth stedfast in his heart, having no necessity, but hath power over his own will, and hath so decreed in his heart that he will keep his virgin, doeth well. So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better. The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.
Paul, in writing to the Corinthian brethren, makes it clear a Christian husband is to be concerned about pleasing his wife, within the proper priority of pleasing God first. In the same way, a Christian wife should be concerned about pleasing her husband. In the society we live in, we are bombarded with the idea the first responsibility of any person is to be happy and to do whatever they want or desire. We are bombarded from our birth to insist on our rights, to insist on our liberties. But when we study the Bible, we do not find this concept within its pages. The Bible teaches responsibilities and a voluntary service to each member of the family. A family which is guided by the commands and laws of God, provides the best environment to insure each member of the family will turn out to be good productive members of society, God-fearing Christians, and the children will grow up to be good spouses and parents themselves.
We see God intends for a Christian marriage to be such that both spouses are happy and content with both their marriage and their spouse and as such will remain together until death separates them. If every marriage in the world followed God’s commandments and laws faithfully, there would be no divorce, crime would be almost non-existent, and every ill that besets man would virtually disappear.
TO PROVIDE A LAWFUL RELATIONSHIP
HEBREWS 13:4 "Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge."
Another purpose of marriage is to provide a lawful means of a man and a woman fulfilling their physical needs and desires in such a way that no sin is involved. Many religions teach the very act of sex is sinful in nature. But these verses teach a very different doctrine. Between a husband and wife, anything they chose to do does not defile the bed. In simple English, as long as it remains only between a husband and wife and does not include any other being, there is no sin in anything a husband and wife do in their sexual relationship. God does not judge anything that willingly takes place as long as it involves the husband and wife only. But God does judge sexual relationships that are outside of the marriage vows.
TO MAINTAIN AND FULFILL THEIR ROLES
I CORINTHIANS 11:1-3 "Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ. Now I praise you, brethren, that ye remember me in all things, and keep the ordinances, as I delivered them to you. But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God."
God has provided what might be referred to as a chain of command, or a priority of headship that exists within His creation. It is simply this, God the Father, is over everything, He has all power and His will reigns supreme over all, under Him is Jesus the Son. When we read and study the Bible, we learn God has turned all authority over to Jesus, God the Son, saving power over God, the Father Himself. Additionally, Jesus will retain that power and authority until the Judgment Day, when after the judgment is concluded, Jesus will return authority back to the Father.
Under Jesus next in the rank of headship is the man. Then under man is the woman. There are no doubt many unstated reasons for this chain of headship, but one of the stated reasons is so in the marriage relationship, a Christian husband and a Christian wife would portray the relationship that exists between Christ and the Church. If we keep this thought in mind and live by it, we will strive as husbands to always treat our wife as very special, to such an extent that we would be willing to die for her. We need to keep in mind since we portray Christ, how does the world perceive Christ by the way we act towards and treat our wives? Christian wives need to be guided by the fact that they are portraying the Church to the world. Every Christian wife needs to ask herself the question “Is the Church that the world sees portrayed by me, one they would want to belong to?” I believe if we as husbands and wives kept this thought in mind, we would probably treat each other much different than we do in many cases.
EPHESIANS 5:31-33 "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband."
Paul starts off quoting from Genesis Chapter 2, but then he goes on to show in the same way Abraham and his two wives was an allegory about the relationship between the Old Testament and New Testament, the marriage relationship as designed by God is an allegory showing the relationship that exists between Christ and the Church. We are told everything that was given in the Old Testament was given for our learning so we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope. Therefore it becomes important for Christian couples to stop and realize this fact, and then ask this question, “Looking at our marriage, how do I as a husband depict Christ and how do I as a wife depict the Church? Also what type of relationship do we show exists between Christ and His Church?”
It is important for Christian couples to realize the marriage relationship that exists between each couple depicts Christ and the Church. If we, through our marriage, paint a bad picture of Christ and the Church, how do we think God will feel about us shaming His Son and the Church?
I CORINTHIANS 11:7-12 "For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man. For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. For this cause ought the woman to have power on her head because of the angels. Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord. For as the woman is of the man, even so is the man also by the woman; but all things of God."
We see the imagery and allegory relationship extends to more than Christ and the Church. The man represents the image and glory of God and the woman represents the glory of man. It is my opinion, this is part of the reason for the abundant warning that are presented in the Old Testament and the New Testament against changing the pattern laid down in the Bible. We know about the marriage representing Christ and the Church only because God revealed it to us. In the same way we only know about the man being the image and glory of God and the woman being the glory of man because it is revealed to us in the Word of God. How many other allegories are represented in the Old and New Testaments that are not revealed? When we change the pattern of worship to God, how many other wrong images may we be presenting?
Luke 22:24-32 "And there was also a strife among them, which of them should be accounted the greatest. And he said unto them, The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and they that exercise authority upon them are called benefactors. But ye shall not be so: but he that is greatest among you, let him be as the younger; and he that is chief, as he that doth serve. For whether is greater, he that sitteth at meat, or he that serveth? is not he that sitteth at meat? but I am among you as he that serveth. Ye are they which have continued with me in my temptations. And I appoint unto you a kingdom, as my Father hath appointed unto me; That ye may eat and drink at my table in my kingdom, and sit on thrones judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat: But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren."
We have noticed in an earlier chapter, how these verses deal with the role of the leadership in the local congregation. I believe these verses also apply to the husband and wife relationship. Jesus in talking about ruling over one another says we as Christians are not to be so. I believe we must apply these verses to any relationship or role we as Christians might find ourselves in. We noticed in dealing with the leadership offices in the Church Jesus taught the way the leadership was to rule over the flock was through serving. Every office exists within the Church exists for the purpose of serving the local congregation. They are offices of service rather than offices of authority or rank. The same is true within the Christian marriage. The roles exist, for the husband and the wife, are roles of service or positions of service. The Bible teaches the way a Christian husband should rule over his wife is by serving her and treating her first as a Christian sister in Christ, which as we noticed in Hebrews 10:24, taught us how we as Christians are to consider one another, how we can encourage each other to grow in love and good works. Every action a Christian husband takes in regard to his wife should be done from the perspective of: “Will this encourage my wife, who is also a Christian sister, to grow to love me more as a husband and a fellow Christian and will it also encourage her to grow in doing good works?" And conversely the actions of the Christian wife towards her husband should be based on the same principle.
How many marital problems would be averted if every action, every word, every thought was guided by this principle. How many of the marriages that end in divorce could be saved if the basis of the marriage was Hebrews 10:24. My personal opinion is there would be a lot fewer divorce attorneys and divorce judges in this world if more people understood and practiced this principle.
TO LOVE HIS WIFE
EPHESIANS 5:25-33 "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband."
How much is a husband to love his wife? The answer is only as much as Christ loved the Church. Well I will be the first to admit these verses set the bar pretty high. So high I can never say that I have achieved it. But it is a goal as a Christian husband, I must always strive to reach. Additionally I think it is important to notice why the Bible tells us Christ died for the Church. He died in order to sanctify the Church and the Church could be presented unto Himself as holy. Every action I take as a Christian husband should be done to encourage my wife to love me and to keep her reserved to me. One of the ways a Christian husband sanctifies his wife is by leaving his father and mother and making a home for his wife. Also the husband needs to live such a life his wife will find it easy to defer to his judgment and to reverence him.
COLOSSIANS 3:19 "Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them."
Again this verse is stressing the fact Christian husbands are to love their wives. In talking here about the responsibility of the husband from the viewpoint of the husband, this does not say or mean the husband is to love his wife only when she makes it easy, but rather it is the responsibility of the husband to love his wife, no matter what. This does not mean the wife does not also have a responsibility to make it easy for her husband to love her, but as we noticed in Ezekiel in the story of the watchman, when God assigns responsibility, he expects it to be fulfilled, no matter what. God does not accept excuses.
We also want to notice God did not stop at just commanding husbands to love their wives, but he also commands Christian husbands to not be bitter against their wives. I like to think I have grown in this area, but I used to struggle with this, because anytime we had an argument, I liked to feel I was in the right and she was in the wrong. This is human nature, otherwise, why would I argue and fight with my wife? But if I am commanded not to be bitter, this means God expects me to look at arguments from my wife’s perspective and try to understand her side. When I came to understand this, for some mysterious reason the number of arguments and fights became fewer and this command became so much easier to obey.
TO RULE HIS HOUSE
I TIMOTHY 3:4-5 "One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)"
Paul is laying down the qualification for a man who would become an Elder. These are qualifications every Christian husband should strive to have, in order to be a good husband, a Christian husband will rule well his own house. We have noticed already what God means when He talks about any Christian ruling over another. God is talking about serving. Anytime you want to understand what God intends in the relationship between two or more Christians, if the word rule or oversee is used, substitute either the word submit or the word serve. Then and only then can one begin to understand what God is intending.
TO LIVE WITH HIS WIFE
I PETER 3:7-9 "Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing."
These verses sum up what God has been teaching throughout the Bible about how God wants His followers to act. A Christian husband is to dwell with his wife using intelligence or knowledge. The way this is done is a Christian husband needs to understand his wife and to use that knowledge to encourage her to grow as a wife and a Christian. Many times we learn about our spouses, but we use that knowledge to push their buttons, to get them upset or aggravated. What God wants is for us to use that knowledge to bring peace into the house. We also see we have a command to live with our wives. This again involves making a conscious choice to work together, to listen to our wives needs and desires.
Instead of returning railing for railing or yelling for yelling, God expects Christian husbands and Christian wives as well to return good for evil, whenever we feel we have not been treated fairly by our spouse. This becomes easier if we have compassion and empathy towards our spouse. Or in simple English, if we learn to walk in the shoes of our spouses, we will find we understand them more and instead of complaining and fighting, we will be much more likely to help them overcome our faults and problems.
I began to become a better husband when I came to a realization about what I think God is talking about here, when He says as a Christian husband, I need to consider my wife as the weaker vessel. If I and my wife have both been working at a job and we both come home and I throw myself down on the couch, watching television and expect my wife to run around, cleaning the house, fixing my meals, and yes, even expect her to be ready to fulfill my needs that night in the bedroom, who am I saying is the weaker vessel? Also, if I expect my wife to always give in on an argument, who am I saying is mentally the weaker vessel? When I realized this and I began helping more around the house, the less my wife was tired, the happier I was, and the happier I was the more I would help.
I have come to the conclusion in general, we as husbands hold the key to the success of a Christian marriage. If as a husband, I do not treat my wife with the respect she deserves and help her in the ways she needs, she becomes unhappy. But if on the other hand I treat my wife with respect, and consider her as the weaker vessel, and help around the house, it is amazing how much happier my marriage becomes. This was true in my marriage and has been true in most of the counseling I have done with Christian couples.
TO PROVIDE FOR HIS FAMILY
I TIMOTHY 5:8 "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel"
It is important as Christians we realize if Christian husband does not get out and get a job and provide for the needs of his family, God is not pleased. I realize hard economic times cause people to be laid off and illness can strike and cause additional problems, and I am not talking about these circumstances. But I have known Christian husbands who upon losing their job, just gave up, they did not look for a job or they felt since they had made $50.00 an hour before, they were too good to accept anything less. There is a difference between circumstances that happen and circumstances we allow ourselves to be overcome by. Here Paul, in writing to Timothy, lays down the primary responsibility for providing for one’s family. A Christian husband has a responsibility to provide not only for their wife and kids, but also for the parents in their old age and other relatives we might be able to help care for. If he does not provide for them, he is worse than an unbeliever. We need to remember the Bible clearly teaches that all unbelievers are going to spend an eternity separated from God. Do we as Christian husbands want to be worse off than an unbeliever?
TO ENCOURAGE HIS WIFE
HEBREWS 10:24-25 "And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching."
Each Christian has the responsibility to encourage every other Christian to grow unto love and good works. Every action, every thing we do and say, every thought should be preplanned for its possible affect upon our brothers and sisters in Christ. We need to realize our spouses are Christians also and we should treat them at least as well as we treat our brothers and sisters in Christ. Even if we happen to be married to unbelievers, we still have a responsibility to encourage them, and to live the life of a Christian in front of them as an example.
We want to notice a number of things the Bible says are part of the duty of a Christian wife. These are part of her responsibility of submitting to God and also part of her responsibility to her husband. It is important for every woman who wants to be a Christian to realize that rights has nothing to do with Christianity, whereas responsibility is what it is all about. As we notice some of these duties and responsibilities, let us keep this in mind.
TAKE PRIDE IN BEING A WIFE
The first responsibility we want to notice the Bible gives to a wife is she take pride in her relationship to her husband. She must realize she is special to both God and her husband. She needs to be proud of who she is. She is a Christian wife. A high honor indeed!
Proverbs 18:22 "Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD."
The wise man Solomon reveals how special and how precious it is when a man finds that special woman and gets married. A Christian wife is a good thing for a Christian husband to have. She is a special gift God has given to her husband. He has obtained the favor of the Lord in that God helped prepare her especially for him.
PROVERBS 12:4 "A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones."
If a wife wants her husband to be proud of her and to brag to others about her, she must first of all be true to him. A virtuous woman is one whose husband feels like royalty because she has chosen to live with him and him alone. A Christian wife should take pride in the fact she is a woman who has dedicated herself, first of all to God and second of all to her husband.
NOT TO BE CONTENTIOUS
PROVERBS 19:13-14 "A foolish son is the calamity of his father: and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. House and riches are the inheritance of fathers and a prudent wife is from the LORD."
A Christian wife while she is not to just allow herself to be walked on or be mistreated is also not to be a nagging wife. The Bible teaches in many places the husband and wife team need to be working together in submission to God and not to be argumentative or dictatorial. I have seen and counseled a number of marriages in which either the husband or wife were contentious (argumentative) and none of the marriages were happy functional marriages while this attitude was prevalent. As I have said earlier in this section, while I think the actions of the husband has from my experience more to do with the success or failure of a marriage, that does not excuse the wife from not acting properly.
God wants every wife to be a prudent Christian wife. The word prudent means to have good sense, to carefully consider the consequences, to be careful in managing resources. After all if the wife is going to manage a household well, doesn’t this mean to be prudent? Every wife should want to be the type of wife her husband could thank God for every day of their marriage in the same way as every Christian husband should want to be the type of husband his wife could thank God for every day of their marriage.
UNDER SUBJECTION TO HUSBAND
GENESIS 3:16 "Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee."
To talk about a wife being under subjection to her husband is not being politically correct today. But the last time I checked, the Bible as written by God has not changed. Too many times, people take verses out of context in the Bible and twist the scriptures to say something they do not say or mean. A Christian wife being under subjection does not mean she must surrender her opinions and just become a “yes” wife. The same Bible which says a wife is to be in voluntary submission to her husband also teaches this comes as part of her subjection to God. The Bible teaches a Christian husband’s responsibility is to trust his wife to manage the household and to submit to her needs. Taking everything together, in order for a Christian husband to be the head of the house, in a way is pleasing to God, means he will teach his wife how to submit through the proper example by serving her needs and putting her needs and the needs of the family before his.
Mark 10:42-44 "But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all."
Let us refresh our memory by taking another look at Mark. How does God expect his people to rule over one another? God says as Christians who would be great shall be the one who ministers. Do you as a Christian husband want to be pleasing to God? Then the way you are to rule over your family, the way you are to be the head or chief of the family is by ministering by being the servant to all in the family. Too many times as Christians, we look to the world for our examples when we should be looking to the Bible and the Church. We must never look to the world for our examples of leaders and leadership because the best leaders in the world, judging by the standards of the world, are those who exercise Lordship over them. This has nothing to do with serving God. In the Church, the only way to be a leader is through service. This is true for a Christian husband as well. Because God created the institution of marriage, and because God defined the roles and responsibilities of husband and wife for those who follow him, and because God defined the role of the husband as a leadership role, the rules that God laid down apply.
EPHESIANS 5:33 "Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband."
Not only is the wife told she must submit to her husband, but also she is to reverence her husband. The word reverence is defined as having feelings of deep respect for or devotion to. The only two beings the Bible commands God’s people to have reverence for that I can find is Christians are to reverence God and Christian wives are commanded to reverence their husbands. This is showing the relationship that exists between Jesus Christ and the Church. God and Jesus, both as members of the Godhead, behave in such a way as to deserve the reverence or the awe and deep respect we as members of the Church owe them. Wives in representing the Church, the bride of Christ, in this allegory must show the same reverence or deep respect for her husband the Church has for Christ. But we as husbands represent Christ as the head of the Church. This puts a tremendous responsibility on husbands to be the type of men the world can look at and see Christ in us. In plain simple English, we as husbands must strive to be the type of husband which would earn that deep respect and reverence.
EPHESIANS 5:22-24 "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing."
We see Paul using the allegory of Christ and the Church to show the relationship between the husband and wife. First, Paul commands Christian wives to voluntarily submit to their husbands as part of their submission to the Lord. The reason given is that in the same way Christ is the head of the Church so the husband is the head of the wife. We have already noticed several times in, this book, what is meant when any Christian is in a position over someone else, to understand what God intends, use the term, submit or serve, in place of rule. But this is looking at it from the husband’s perspective. This verse is looking at the relationship from the wife’s perspective. The wife is to submit to her husband, not because of who he is, but because of who she is. As we have seen previously, God expects each of us to fulfill our responsibility to Him whether or not anyone else is fulfilling their responsibility.
GUIDE THE HOUSE
I TIMOTHY 5:14 "I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully."
Paul, in giving instructions to the Evangelist Timothy, gives some general advice and guidelines and some reasons for these guidelines. Paul tells us it is the responsibility of the Christian wife to manage the running of the house. This is why Solomon referred to the prudent wife. The word prudent implies one who can manage resources. In the same way if someone hires a person to manage a business, the hired manager has a fiduciary (legal ) responsibility to manage the business in an ethical manner to bring a profit to the owner of the business. In the same way the Christian wife has a fiduciary responsibility (to her husband and to God) to guide the house in such a way no reproach will come against her. Many times Christian husbands do not realize this and they do not want to have the wife handling these household responsibilities. But it is not the husband who gives her this responsibility but God, therefore a Christian husband must not only allow the wife to guide the house, but must encourage and help her in whatever way she needs to fulfill this responsibility.
TITUS 2:3-5 "The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed."
One of the resources that is very much underutilized in the Church today is the women and in particular the elderly women. So many times, we treat the elderly woman as though they were of little value. But the Bible teaches the younger women they need to have such a relationship with the elderly women they can turn to them and by taking advantage of the accumulated wisdom that exists in the elderly women in the congregation, the younger wives can have an advantage and gain from the experience of others. What happens many times instead of learning from the older women, each wife learns by her own mistakes and sins. As a result, divorce is starting to find its way into the Church. The Bible shows a Christian wife is to be serious about the role and job she has in the family. A Christian wife should put her husband and children above herself and willingly serve them. A Christian wife also needs to be discreet in the things she says and does. She also should not be running around neglecting her responsibility, but rather should be a keeper at home. She also needs to be careful and behave in such a manner the word of God will not be blasphemed.
BEAR CHILDREN
I TIMOTHY 5:14 "I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully."
One of the first commands of God was to multiply and replenish the Earth. It has continued to be through having children is one of the ways God has chosen to expand his kingdom, the Church. For this reason and perhaps many others, God has made it part of the responsibility of a Christian wife to bear children and raise them in a Christian home. These decisions should be discussed as a joint responsibility of the husband and wife so they can work together as a team to raise their children in a Christian home. I want to make it clear in this case Paul is not stating this as a commandment of God for woman to have children. If it were, every woman who did not have children would be committing sin. Since Paul also stated it would be better for a woman’s service to God if she not marry, clearly he is not turning around and demanding every woman have children.
I TIMOTHY 2:15 "Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety."
Here Paul does tie having and raising Christian children as having a part in a Christian wife's salvation. I do not claim to fully understand this or any Bible subject completely, but what I believe Paul is saying is while it is best for the cause of Christ if a man or a woman could continue in an unmarried, single state, since they could make serving God their first priority, most people has natural desires prevent this. So God has provided a lawful means for those desires to be fulfilled in a marriage relationship. But if a Christian chooses to marry, they need to remember in the same way Isreal desired to have a king and that choice created many problems, marriage does not solve every problem, but it creates many challenges which must be met and overcome. If a Christian woman is going to marry, she needs to realize she will no longer be able to do only as she desires, but she, as a wife and mother, has certain responsibilities and duties she will be required to fulfill. One of which is she has been given the primary responsibility to teach and raise her children to love and obey God.
LENGTH OF DUTIES
I CORINTHIANS 7:39 "The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord."
The Bible clearly makes the point if a Christian man and a Christian woman chose to marry they need to realize they are making a vow to each other and to God to act in a prescribed fashion and to fulfill certain responsibilities. These responsibilities are to remain in affect until death separates them. Even in the case one of them dies, the surviving spouse may remarry if they chose, to whom they chose, but only to a fellow Christian. We see the responsibility God has given Christians who chose to marry are not to be taken lightly, but are to be taken seriously. This is one of the reasons I never performed a wedding either for those in the Church or those without the Church without going through a time of counseling.
GOD'S IDEAL PARENTS
Now we want to consider the duties and responsibilities God has given to parents and children. While most of this will be dealing with the period of time from when the child is born until they leave home to live on their own, we also want to notice as parents get older and need help, God places the responsibility for taking care of a Christian’s elderly parents on the Christian children of that parent and then if no child steps up to fulfill their responsibility, my understanding from the Greek words used God has put the responsibility on grown nephews, nieces, or grandchildren within the Church.
BE PROUD OF CHILDREN
Psalms 127:3-5 "Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate."
One way God has chosen to reward parents is through having children. A Christian should look upon their children as a reward from God. Sometimes, when children are going through certain stages, we may need to remind ourselves they are a reward from God, and not a punishment. We as Christian parents have a responsibility to God to serve our children by raising them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. The laws, at least in California, have been rewritten to say if for any reasons a parent does not want to accept this responsibility anymore, they can drop them off at any fire department or hospital and they will not suffer any legal consequences. While from a human worldly perspective, I can understand the reason for this, God expects us to fulfill the responsibilities He has given and God will hold Christian parents accountable.
TEACH CHILDREN
Proverbs 22:6-7 "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."
As Christian parents, one of the responsibilities God has given us is raise our children in the way of the Lord. This means as parents, we need to have a clear idea about how we want our children to turn out. If we know and understand how we want our children to turn out, the better the odds we can accomplish that goal. Under most circumstances, if we raise them in the fear of God, in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, they will not depart from it. I realize sometimes a child can be raised right and when they get out on their own they can still go their own way, but generally if we raise a child right they will turn out right. Also, it is my personal opinion that in the same way leaders in the congregation will give account to God, for the members of a congregation, in the same way parents will give an account as to how they raised their children, what they did to raise them in the nurture and admonition of God
Proverbs 29:15-17 "The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame. When the wicked are multiplied, transgression increaseth: but the righteous shall see their fall. Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul."
We know from both the Bible and from child psychologists that children need firm boundaries and they learn what those are by continually testing them. Even child psychologists admit when the parents give in continually, it confuses the children. Here the wise man, Solomon, says it best. Correction and discipline give wisdom, but a child left to them self bringeth their mother to shame.
When children are raised without firm guidelines, they do not learn respect for authority, are continually throwing temper tantrums, and ends up causing their parents many heartaches. This causes them to perhaps end up in prison. When society in general encourages this action, the wicked are multiplied and transgression (sin) increase. But if one remains righteous in the eyes of God they will see the fall or end of those who turn to evil.
If this is not the end you want your children to come to, correct them and make sure correction is guided by heavenly wisdom and your children will grow up giving you rest. They will grow up and chose to be guided by God in their lives. This is what is meant when it says, “He will give delight unto thy soul”
Deuteronomy 6:6-9 "And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. And thou shalt bind them for a sign upon thine hand, and they shall be as frontlets between thine eyes. And thou shalt write them upon the posts of thy house, and on thy gates."
The Bible teaches here in Deuteronomy parents are to teach their children the words of God. But simply teaching via words is not enough. Parents also need to live what they teach. These verses are basically saying the same thing as the saying we hear so often today, which is “Not only should you talk the talk, but you also need to walk the walk.” The best way to teach your children about God involves regular prayer and Bible study as well as making sure the life you live before them is consistent with the things we expect from them and with our manner of life.
Deuteronomy 31:11-13 "When all Israel is come to appear before the LORD thy God in the place which he shall choose, thou shalt read this law before all Israel in their hearing. Gather the people together, men, and women, and children, and thy stranger that is within thy gates, that they may hear, and that they may learn, and fear the LORD your God, and observe to do all the words of this law: And that their children, which have not known any thing, may hear, and learn to fear the LORD your God, as long as ye live in the land whither ye go over Jordan to possess it."
These verses stress the importance of teaching your children to do right from the time they are born. They also stress the importance of taking your children to the worship services of the Church from the time they are born. These verses also teach the fact the worship of God should take place in an undivided assembly, with the men, women, children and visitors all being present. And in this type of environment, the infants can hear and learn to fear the Lord God.
TO CORRECT AND DISCIPLINE CHILDREN
A part of submission to God and to your family involves discipline. The Bible does not go into depth saying which action deserves which punishment, but I think a little common sense and experience can give us some basic guidelines. First of all, I believe firmly parents should never discipline when they are angry. Many times, before I learned this, I would get angry with my son, ground him for life, only a little while later having to go back and apologize and change the punishment to something reasonable. One of the first guidelines we need to have is not to impose punishment when you are angry.
Also we need to realize there is a big difference between an infant and a child. Both for correctional purposes as well as what we would expect them to understand. For example, there is no excuse for disciplining an infant under 6 months of age, in my opinion, or the age they begin to crawl and start to walk. If a baby cries and cries, there is a problem with the child, either its diaper needs to be changed, or it is hungry or in pain or the baby may be trying to train the parent to hold it consistently. If a baby cries, there is no excuse for shaking it or whipping it, instead we need to find out what the problem is and get it corrected.
The purpose for this section of the chapter is not to supply an opinion for when it is appropriate to discipline a child, but rather to show we need to apply some common sense in discipline and realize we discipline because it is the right thing to do in the eyes of God, not because we are angry. We need to find some method of setting discipline that reinforces the concept we are servants of God. For example, the best example I have ever heard of was a Christian father, who before he imposed any discipline sat down with the child who was to be disciplined, prayed to God for guidance for both the parent and the child, then discussed with the child what the child had done wrong, what the punishment was and why.
This process served several purposes, it gave the parent the time to calm down, it gave the child a chance to see how what they had done affected the child, the parent and God, and perhaps many other purposes.
Proverbs 19:18 "Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying."
Parents need to realize several important facts when it comes to disciplining their children. The first is what may seem cute in a little child, if you laugh and hug the child when they are little, it only encourages a behavior that may be a problem when they are older and it is suddenly not cute. For example, I have seen parents, when their two or three year old smarts off to them, laugh and joke about it, then when they are 10 to 13, become very angry and wonder where they got their smart mouth.
If a baby who can only crawl does something wrong, you need to say “NO", firmly or “NO, HOT", if they start to touch the stove. When they are at an age for walking, perhaps a light swat on the hand or bottom might be appropriate, but do not make the mistake of disciplining out of anger or encouraging actions later on if they do them, you will be upset about them.
Another important factor is before Christian parents make a choice to have children in the first place, they need to work out a consistent approach they both can support and take part in. One parent should not be the one doing all of the disciplining and the other parent the one who gives the hugs and the shoulder to cry on. If one parent is doing all of the disciplining it becomes too easy for them to become too concentrated on the discipline aspect and become either too tough in their discipline or to forget the child needs hugs and love shown from both parents. Also, the parent who does not discipline can become too lenient or begin to make idle threats such as, “Wait till your Father comes home.” For discipline to be effective, both parents need to be able to support the action and also take turns administering it.
Proverbs 23:13-15 "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."
Parents should not withhold proper and consistent correction from their children. The reason we know it is possible to discipline improperly is Solomon says about the disciplining of your child, he will not die. So even though the translators of the King James Version use the phrase “beatest him with a rod”, Solomon makes it clear the discipline will not in any way possibly cause physical harm to the child. Solomon is not defending in any way, someone who beats, tortures, or shakes a child in anger.
When properly administering discipline it needs to be first of all fair, secondly it needs to be consistent. One of the best ways to apply discipline of any type is to set the child down, then pray for wisdom from God to properly discipline the child without anger. Then sit down, making sure you are not angry, and discuss with the child, what discipline you have decided on after prayer and take time to make sure you are calm and the discipline is right, and why the discipline is necessary. Then administer the proper discipline in the correct manner and in the correct attitude.
THE RESPONSIBILITY OF FATHERS
TO TEACH THE WAYS OF THE LORD
Ephesians 6:4 "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord."
We are told as fathers, to make sure we do not provoke our children to wrath, which is an uncontrollable anger. This is why it is important for parents to be fair and consistent in correcting their children. If a child is beaten on a regular basis for minor infractions, the effect of the discipline will quickly disappear and the child will become angry and sullen. It is best to keep the punishment to simpler things such as time outs or groundings for a reasonable amount of time and to reserve corporal punishment for the most sever infractions. Otherwise it becomes acceptable and normal and no longer serves the purpose for which God intended and it also creates an upward spiraling effect which can quickly get out of hand and cross the line into child abuse. This is just my opinion based on raising three children.
Proverbs 13:24 "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.
Solomon goes into the real basis of proper discipline. The only proper basis for any chastening is love. A father, who doesn't correct his children properly and consistently, not only does not love his children, but is displaying hatred. Love will cause a father to chasten his son as often as needed. This does not necessary mean if a father beats his children, he is demonstrating love. There are many ways to effectively chasten your children, of which corporal punishment should always be a last resort, not a first.
Colossians 3:21 "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged."
Again, we see an admonition from the Holy Spirit through the Apostle Paul against carrying punishment too far, because if a parent is harshly disciplining the child for every minor offense they will become discouraged and angry and probably quit trying to please their parents and God.
RESPONSIBILITIES OF MOTHERS
TEACH THEIR CHILDREN
1 Timothy 5:14 "I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully."
God is pleased when his people marry other Christians. He is pleased when a Christian couple decides to have children. Christian couples need to understand what the responsibility to marry and have children entails. This means a Christian woman needs to realize God has placed on her the primary responsibility to guide the house.
Titus 2:3-5 "The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed."
This is one of the purposes for older women in the Church. In today’s terminology older women have a responsibility to mentor the younger woman. Among the things younger women need to learn is to take their roles serious, to learn what true love is all about, to have an agape type love for their children, to be discreet, not to gallivanting around the countryside, to be good, and to learn how submitting to their own husbands is part of submitting to God. The older women also need to help the younger women realize how their behavior can bring blasphemy against the word of God.
REMEMBER GOD
Ecclesiastes 12:1 "Remember now thy Creator in the days of thy youth, while the evil days come not, nor the years draw nigh, when thou shalt say, I have no pleasure in them;"
The first responsibility of children is no different than that of any Christian. They are to put serving God first in their lives. Children need to be taught to realize the priorities they set in their youth shape the rest of their lives. If they want to live long happy lives, the only way to guarantee this, is to put serving God first.
OBEY PARENTS
Ephesians 6:1-3 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth."
Children, if you want to be pleasing to God, obey your parents in the things they would have you to do, unless the specific thing they are asking you to do is directly contrary to the word of God. Honor your father and mother, because it was the first commandment of God was connected to a promise that promise being if you obey your parents, it sets up an attitude that helps you to avoid problems in the future and you will live long.
Colossians 3:20 "Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord."
Children, we see here are to obey your parents in everything, unless as we just finished noticing, what they told you to do is a sin in the sight of God. If you do this, you will be well pleasing in the sight of God
Isaiah 30:1 "Woe to the rebellious children, saith the LORD, that take counsel, but not of me; and that cover with a covering, but not of my spirit, that they may add sin to sin:"
But we see that woe is promised to rebellious children. By being rebellious, they gain such an attitude that will cause them to get in trouble. Rebellious children, do not stop and listen to God, therefore they are given to sin and being guided by their own desires.
Chapter Summary
- 1. The purpose of marriage is to provide suitable companionship
2. The purpose of marriage is to please each other.
3. The purpose of marriage is to provide a lawful sexual relationship.
4. The purpose of marriage is to help each member maintain and fulfill their roles.
5. The purpose for marriage is to provide a Godly environment to raise a family
6. The duty of the husband is to love his wife.
7. The duty of the husband is to rule his house in the way as the Elder is to rule the Church.
8. The duty of the husband is to live with his wife.
9. The duty of the husband is to provide for his family.
10. The duty of the husband is to encourage his wife.
11. The duty of the wife is to take pride in being a wife.
12. The duty of the wife is not to be contentious.
13. The duty of the wife is to be under willing submission to her husband.
14. The duty of the wife is to guide the house.
15. The duty of the wife is to bear children.
16. These responsibilities are to last as long as both are alive.
17. In God's plan, Parents play the central role in the rearing of children.
18. God wants Christians to be proud of their children.
19. God rewards parents through their children.
20. God expects parents to train children to serve him.
21. God expects parents to think about how they want their children to turn out.
22. God wants parents to reprove and correct their children in the proper fashion when needed.
23. An unsupervised and undisciplined child will bring shame to their parents.
24. God wants Christian parents to continually teach their children about him.
25. God expects Christian parents to teach their children through their life.
26. God expects Christian parents to take children to the assembly of the Church.
27. God expects Christian parents to teach children to show reverence to Him in the assembly.
28. God expects Christian parents to discipline their children in a consistent and proper manner.
29. Children learn wisdom when they are properly disciplined.
30. God expects Christian parents to properly discipline children starting when they are young.
31. God expects Christian fathers to bring children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
32. God expects Christian fathers to exhort, comfort and teach their children.
33. God expects Christian fathers to love children and to show love through disciplining them.
34. God expects Christian fathers to discipline children so as not discourage them.
35. God expects Christian mothers to raise their children to continue in faith, love and holiness.
36. God expects Christian mothers to guide the house in cooperation with her husband.
37. God expects Christian mothers to teach their children to learn good proper conduct.
38. God expects children to treat everyone with respect.
39. God expects children to remember him and let that remembrance guide their actions.
40. God expects children to obey their parents in the Lord.
41. God expects Christian parents to never expect their children to do anything that is wrong.
42. God expects children to obey him and grow up to be Christians.
43. God expects children and parents to work together to serve him.
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